“Do you think we could learn to time travel?”

– Absolutely. Let me check MasterClass.

“I just have smudges for eyes.”

– Her speech gets silly when her mascara gets messy.

“You want a swirly swirl?”

– Is this an offer of…
A) Soft serve ice cream
B) A head rub?
C) Sex?
D) A teaspoon?

Vote in the comments.

“Do you ever notice that you have trouble standing up?”

– Hello, Lazy Boy? I’ll take two, stat.”

“He sounds like a tranny monster.”

– Our neighbour makes strange noises when he plays with his kids and they always end up crying. Always.

“I’m so tired of the wind being abusive. I think it needs to get therapy.”

– Maybe he’s just misunderstood.

“This tastes like a fish aquarium that hasn’t been cleaned. In five years.”

– Some craft beers are better than others.

“Let’s sell everything and go live in the nothing.”

– When you get over 250 spam emails a day, disconnecting is the dream.

“It smells like vegetable human soup in here.”

– And it tastes like chicken.

“I’m gonna go put some skin on my face.”

– And you thought morning breath was a problem.

“I’ll show you under the curtain a little bit.”

– Happy Valentines Day to me!